Jasen Vinlove/USA Today

Memoirs Of The Brockalypse

Paul Gallant reflects on an Osweiler heavy 2016

MAD Radio
October 25, 2018 - 2:03 pm

I’m one of the luckiest people on earth. I get paid to watch sports, to talk about them with two good friends, and along the way share random Paul Gallant stories. It’s the dream job. I’m #BlessedSoBlessed, and can’t complain about a damn thing.

“Jeepers Paul, you unibrowed Yankee, literally ALL YOU DO is bitch and moan about the things that you don’t like. If I wanted hypocrisy, I’d be reading Carmelo Anthony’s acceptable novel ‘The Do’s and Don’ts of Basketball fights!

Well hang on, heckling Hubert. I’m a human too. And from time to time, every job is exactly that...a job. Some days are REALLY tough. Like the time my radio Dad yelled at my other radio Dad (we’re extremely progressive). It was a dark day, but I got through it afterwards by curling up in the fetal position under my bed and listening to Everclear’s Wonderful on repeat. Thanks for preparing me, experience of parents divorcing!

Those bad days are few and far between though, and when they happen you get over them quickly. Except that one time. The long night. The ~18 Sundays where this job nearly drove me to hate football...the greatest sport that there is.

The Brockalypse.

“Let me get this straight Paul, you poor man’s Al Bundy. You saw the Shoddy Schaubing of 2013. You walked through the Tom Savage Garden of offensive despair last year. But the 2016 Texans were your personal sports hell? Do you even sports?”

Yes. Because of Brock Osweiler.

“Didn’t matter Paul. AFc sOuTh CHamPiONs. wILd CaRd viCTOrS.”

Relax Bill. Let me explain.

It wasn’t JUST Brock Osweiler’s play. Or his glacial throwing motion. Or the constant check downs. Or the red zone field goals. Or the passes 10 yards out of bounds. Or the thrumbles. Or the regular interceptions. Or that he was the ONLY quarterback to make DeAndre Hopkins look...average. Because for all that awful shit, his play did have ONE redeeming quality: the patented giraffe gallop!

The worst part about Brock Osweiler? Listening to him. His Dr. Frankenstein-esque mental enhancement coach created a horrific hybrid: a robotic, soft-spoken, walking political speech who sounded an AWFUL lot like a preschool teacher talking to toddlers.  

“Whatever Paul, you entitled elitist, the guy was doing what was required of him by the NFL’s CBA.”

Making matters worse? I edited Brock Osweiler audio into clips. AND THEN TRANSCRIBED THAT SHIT. That took time. And repeat listens. MANY repeat listens. I’m getting PTSD just thinking about it.

I don’t think you quite believe me. So if you don’t mind, I’m about to drag you into the hell that I once resided. Here are the top 10

10. “If the National Football League was easy, everyone would do it.”

As you go through all these quotes, you’re really going to wonder how Brock Osweiler and Bill O’Brien never saw eye to eye.  Obviously Brock was – you know – a terrible starting quarterback. But for the most part, they say the Same. Exact. Thing. Over. And. Over.

To an extent, I get it. I didn’t – and couldn’t – play in the NFL. So yeah, it’s damn tough. But we all have eyes. Why was it so much easier for EVERYONE ELSE at your position?

9. “I don’t think there’s been too many successful teams in the National Football League that had a bed of roses with how they were able to accomplish their ultimate goals throughout the season.”

9. The NFL is not a bed of roses, you guys.

BA YA YA, BA YA YA YA, BA YA, BA YA YA

"Thereeee...used to be a giraffe that somehow was Q-B

Andddd he found a way...to ruin football for Pauly G

The Texans...remained...an aggressively mediocre team

And did you know,

That when he'd throw,

It wouldn’t get any yards

*If it didn’t go far out of bounds.

BABAYYYYYYYY..."

...just kidding we’re moving on.

8. “At the end of the day, shoot, there’s a million different ways that you can win football games in this league.”

Brock said this just days after beating the Jacksonville Jaguars 24-21 on November 13th, 2016. He threw for 99 yards in that game. So technically, this quote is quite true.

7. “The most important thing over the course of an NFL season is – no offense – just blocking out the outside noise.”

There was a lot of noise when it came to Brock. But what bothers me? It took the majority of the Houston media – myself included – about a month of National Football League football in the National Football League to start firing critical noise Brock’s way. "At the end of the day", "it's on me", and "it started with me", and "I have to be better."

6. “Winning the division is the most important thing in an NFL season.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa, WHOA. What the hell happened to number 5? Plus, Earth to Brock, what about the Super Bowl?

...GOOD GOD, BROCK HAS A SUPER BOWL RING.

5. “A lot of fans tonight missed a terrific performance in the third and fourth quarter by a team.”

Brock is referring to the MIRACULOUS comeback of October 17, 2016. You know, the one where the Texans scored two touchdowns in the final 3 minutes, ultimately beating the Colts 26 – 23 in overtime. A game where my guy Marc Vandermeer famously said “Houston, we have a quarterback!” And a game where the majority of Texans fans left early.

My experience of the game? A depressing horror as I slumped away from my desk in the NRG Stadium press box. Fifty minutes plus sulking over a depressing realization: that the rest of this season - AND THE ENTIRETY OF THE NEXT - would be chock full of the worst quarterback play that I’d ever see.

The comeback? An unexpected shot in the arm. I think I convinced myself that he was still slowly learning. What a fool I was.

4. “Hopefully I don’t have to experience coming in as the backup too much more in my career.”

“Paul, you bitter bitchy loser, shouldn’t the irony of this quote give you a quantum of solace?”

NOPE.   

3. “I’ve had great success in this league playing football. And so I’m very confident.”

This wasn’t the last time that Brock dropped this line. Sadly, no one in Houston – myself included – came back with this nuclear comeback.

2. “I come up here and every single week when I get to work and in practice – Wednesday, Thursday, Friday – I really feel like I’m going to play a clean football game. And I feel like I’m going to be able to stand up here in front of you guys and kind of ‘hey told you so, told you I could play a clean game.’ And then I go out there and I do something like that again today.”

Narrator: “He never played that clean game.”

1. “Every interception has a different story.”

Brock bottom.

Paul Gallant hosts Mad Radio - mornings 6-10 CT on SportsRadio 610 - with Mike Meltser & Seth Payne.

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